"Anger Management"
Proverbs 15:1; 15:18; 16:32; 25:28; 29:11 and Ephesians 4:25-5;2
For at least the last eight years, we have lived through one of the most contentious times in our nation's history. Our political system has been fractured by extremist language, misinformation, and outright lies. This has been going on since at least 2016. There is a lot of bickering between political factions as the election draws ever nearer, and I think it is affecting our overall demeanor about everything. Folks are on edge. Tempers are shorter, including my own. This past Wednesday morning, I got up early to make it to the YMCA for a workout. I put on my gym clothes and headed out the door. I was at the I5 and Ashland Street intersection stoplight near the Shell gas station. The light turned green, and I headed through the intersection. As I approached the Shell station, a truck pulled out without looking right before me. Now, I did NOT lay on the horn. Instead, I saw the lane next to me was clear and pulled around the truck, then back into the initial lane so I could turn right at the Y. Those actions did not sit well with the person in the truck, who honked and gestured at me as he sped by while I turned right to go to the gym. I then found myself getting angry. What the heck did I do?!? I channeled that anger as I lifted weights and walked on the treadmill.
Even our dog, Angus, is mad at me. Because he had a bad bout of Pancreatitis and was in the vet hospital last week, he can eat only one thing- boiled turkey and white rice until further notice-no more treats or even dental chews. He often looks my way in shock and anger while I eat.
Were this a typical year, we all might find ourselves in normal driving mode, with relaxed pets, or in ordinary conversations with one another over politics. However, we are gearing up for another potentially divisive presidential campaign over the next couple of months. It isn't as if the tension and anger will magically end after November 5th, either. (Although I am hopeful that with the Democratic message of hope and unity, we may find some purple as a nation.) The election will once again likely be contested if it doesn't become a victory for the former president. Anger and tension will likely be part of our societal makeup for the foreseeable future. What, then, can we do? How can we navigate through this angry mess?
First, let me say that anger is part of the human condition. We reflect the image of our Creator, who got mad plenty of times in the Hebrew scriptures as God's people turned away. You can also find plenty of anger from the apostle Paul in his letters to churches throughout the holy land. As it says in this morning’s letter to the church at Ephesus, “Be angry but do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26). The website Psychology Today states, "Anger is one of the basic human emotions, as elemental as happiness, sadness, anxiety, or disgust. These emotions are tied to basic survival and were honed over the course of human history. Anger is related to the "fight, flight, or freeze" response of the sympathetic nervous system; it prepares humans to fight. But fighting doesn't necessarily mean throwing punches. It might motivate communities to combat injustice by changing laws or enforcing new norms."
I think God made us a bit like sewage pipes. Let me explain. I have learned a bit about pipes and plumbing over the years at the church. We used to have continual plumbing issues at Calvin Hall until we re-laid the plumbing lines. I still remember them working daily to finish installing new pipes for Calvin Hall, and I learned that venting is an integral part of plumbing. The vent pipes allow the sewer gasses to escape to the outside rather than being released inside the building. When water moves through the pipe, it compresses the air ahead of it, creating a positive pressure. This pressure buildup must be released somehow, or the positive pressure will push back on the water, causing a mess that we used to experience regularly in Calvin Hall, especially in the old boiler room. Venting fully allows all the pressure to escape the pipe, letting all the gasses out simultaneously. The caution here is not to let all of our anger build up and then vent out at once.
So anger is a part of who we are, and venting is necessary. But we need to be careful how we vent that anger. A little venting is okay, and even necessary, to avoid backup messes like the ones we used to get in Calvin Hall. However, too much venting can also make things messy.
So, how do we control something that is part of how God made us? How can we “Be angry but not sin?”
Here in Proverbs, we will find wisdom for dealing with our anger and the anger of others. I would like to suggest a framework with five components. I used some of these components for a sermon I gave years ago, not long after the 2016 presidential election. It looks like they are still applicable today. Sigh. Through this study of God's wisdom, I hope we all can have healthy and effective ways to help navigate this tense, angry world.
First, I encourage you to be led by God's Spirit rather than your flesh. That, my friends, is not easy. Amid an argument or tense situation, remember this proverb- 15:1: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Being led by God's Spirit in such times can turn us to a soft answer, calming things down in an argument. Paul talks about the struggle to be led by God's Spirit rather than our flesh in Galatians. In 5:20, he talks about anger, quarrels, disputes, and all that comes from us- from our flesh. In contrast, two verses later, he tells us "the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Self-control comes from the Spirit of God.
If you plan to get into a political debate in the next month or so, try not to be led by your flesh but rather be controlled by God's Spirit so that things don't get ugly. Proverbs 25:28 reminds us, "Like a city breached, without walls, is one who lacks self-control." As for me, my plan for exercising self-control is not to post any more political posts on Facebook for the foreseeable future, just so that I don't get tempted to get into it with someone who wants to argue over election results or what a true patriot is. If I end up in one of those entanglements in person, I pray I again remember a soft response that turns away anger. I will say that the soft response to my dog's glares has yet to produce any fruit, but I'll keep trying.
Secondly - Recognize when you are angry and understand the consequences. Proverbs 15:18 says, "Those who are hot-tempered stir up strife, but those who are slow to anger calm contention." Then there is Proverbs 29:22, "One given to anger stirs up strife, and the hothead causes much transgression."
The driving incident last Wednesday made me wonder how I remembered things. Did I somehow sanitize my responses or my driving? I was angry when the truck pulled out without looking. Did my driving somehow anger the truck driver? However, the incident indeed played out. It led to two angry drivers. Two angry drivers can lead to more angry drivers. Anger can be like Covid. It can quickly spread from one person to another and turn into a deadly disease. And, as Bill Murray reminded the groundhog in the movie Groundhog Day, "Don't drive angry!"
Thirdly - Learn to rule and soften your spirit. Proverbs 16:32 says, "One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and one whose temper is controlled is more powerful than one who captures a city." What tactics can help you express and deal with your feelings, even those of anger? Working out, playing the piano, listening to angry classical music, and hiking with my wife and dog greatly help. I also play old video games where I can shoot alien spaceships or destroy evil villains without fear of being hauled away. 😊 There are also things I will try to avoid to keep from triggering my anger. Staying away from specific news channels meant to stir up my emotions is not helpful. I tend not to read very far from certain columnists in the newspaper. I am also learning to alter the content on my computer news feeds, which helps me rule and tame my spirit. I can keep away from many of the things which I know will trigger anger.
Fourth - Dig deep to find the roots of your anger. Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of the human mind are like deep water, but the intelligent will draw them out." This proverb reminds us we need to know ourselves and study ourselves deeply. The Greek philosopher Socrates wrote, "Know Thyself."
What do you know about your anger? From where does your anger come? What family roots, history, or DNA are part of your anger? What things in particular trigger your anger? I remember my father had a temper that softened as he aged. When he was younger, he often got mad at inanimate objects. He would vent his anger at those items if he dropped a tool, the lawnmower broke, or the TV stopped working. I do the same, which my wife shakes her head at. I know my familial history is of both Scottish and German heritage, which means I am somewhat stubborn and set in my ways from my German family and can have a bit of a quick temper from my Scottish side. I try to be aware of those things, especially when someone is driving irritatingly, or I am receiving glares from the dog. By being aware of myself deeply, I can know the roots of my anger and watch how it comes out.
How can knowing ourselves help us when someone is angry at us? I have been trained in conflict resolution through the Lombard Peace Institute in San Diego. I learned that when someone is attacking me in anger, I can feel threatened and may respond to that threat with the minor portion of my brain, creating a reptilian response. The reptilian response strikes back from a perceived threat, intent to do some form of harm. Above the office door of my last church, I had a picture of a snake with a red circle around it, reminding me that when someone came in to confront me in anger, I was reminded not to respond with my reptilian portion of the brain. Sometimes, I was successful. Sometimes, I was not. That still holds true.
I also learned that even though someone may be personally attacking me verbally, it might not be about me at all. It may be about their own experiences regarding the issue, or something else has triggered their anger, and I am just the unfortunate target. Remembering those things during an argument can help hold back an angry response.
Fifth and finally, Deal with your feelings, especially the angry ones. The New Testament passage for this morning holds some proverbial wisdom as well. As I said earlier, Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." I still remember when Paula and I were engaged to be married, and we attended an Episcopalian training for engaged couples known as "Engagement Encounter." The trainers at that event said it was important for couples to deal with their feelings and not sit on them. We were encouraged not to let the sun go down on our anger but to work through those feelings and come to a place of understanding. One of the tactics they suggested to help in this endeavor was to hold hands when arguing… We did that…Once, we found our grips growing stronger on each other's hands as we continued arguing. We may be unable to hold hands when we argue, but I think Paula and I make it a point to express our anger and get through the hard stuff rather than waiting and sitting upon our hurt or angry feelings, letting them grow.
18th Century English poet William Blake wrote,
"I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath; my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not; my wrath did grow."
So, may God be with us, and may we be led by God's wisdom in such contentious, angry times. May we find ways to be led by God's Spirit, recognize our anger and its consequences, learn to tame it, know ourselves fully, and deal with it and other feelings. The world we live in and the relationships we are blessed with will be the better for it. Alleluia. Amen.
